Censor-less

Lately I have felt really annoyed at work. When I walk into the building, I just feel anxiety (and I am not an anxious person). I try to avoid many people and just hide in my office or the lab.

When I am forced to interact with people, my annoyance is multiplied. Throughout my life, I have been annoyed by people who "don't get it", but I can usually be quietly annoyed. And then just complain about it later to someone who shares my view of the world. But I am finding it more difficult to not let things get to me and just sit quietly.

This week, at 2 different meetings, it was impossible for me to just sit and smile. At the first, large meeting, I was called on and said something a bit snarky. Not too rude, but not something I would normally ever say out loud. Especially at a large meeting.

Then, at a lab meeting, I totally snapped at a lab mate. This lab mate has become my least favorite person over the last 18 months, and she said a few things that rubbed me the wrong way. So I snapped at her. In a very sarcastic and condescending tone.

I immediately felt bad and apologized.

I felt bad because of the way I reacted. It was mean and I did not like that I have gotten to the point where I feel that it is OK to maliciously snap at people. Especially this girl, because she is so pathetic, and does not "get it" at all. I feel like I kicked a slow puppy dog.

Of course, I really believed everything I said. I just don't like that I have lost all ability to censor myself.

I think that this is definitely a sign that I need to move on!!